Your Child Wants to be in the Driver’s Seat. You Still Have the Car Keys.
God • Family • Country
“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”- Proverbs 22:6
It is easier to struggle with parenting nowadays because of the spiritual forces and increasingly degenerate society whispering into children's ears, but that makes it more crucial than ever that parents focus on what it means to be an authority figure.
There have been countless parenting “trends” over the years, each one promising to revolutionize the way we raise children. I’ll let you in on a little not-so-secret notion: before parenting trends, there was just parenting. Period. If you asked your great-grandfather which kind of parent he was, he would probably be confused by the question. He wasn't a “gentle parent” or a “laissez-faire parent” or an “authoritative parent.” He was simply a father. The head of the household.
Somehow, we have convinced ourselves that raising children requires an endless supply of new techniques, technology and TikTok “experts” telling us how to do something human beings have been doing since the beginning of civilization.
The inventors of all of the basic necessities we use today, the individuals who designed beautiful Cathedrals that took decades, and our Founding Fathers all had parents who simply ... parented.
We do not need to reinvent something that civilization has understood for thousands of years
Having a child requires intention. It requires understanding that your life changes fundamentally once you bring another human being into the world. It is no longer just about you and your spouse. Your priorities shift. Your time is no longer entirely your own. Your decisions affect someone who is completely dependent upon you.
Having a child is one of the most beautiful things a married couple can do, but beauty does not mean convenience. Parenthood requires sacrifice. It requires discipline, patience, and an enormous amount of time. Most importantly, it requires guidance.
And this is one of the many places where gentle parenting goes wrong.
Gentle parenting exists, in many ways, because of a fundamental misunderstanding of what having a child actually means. The parent-child relationship is not supposed to be a friendship between equals. Your child is not your roommate. He is not your partner in deciding how the household should operate.
He is your child.
He needs you to be his parent.
Your household cannot become a democracy. You are not elected. You were chosen by God to inherit the gift of being a mother or a father.
A child wants to be told what to do, even when he doesn't know that he wants it. Children need boundaries because they do not yet possess the judgment necessary to establish their own. They need someone who understands the world better than they do to tell them where the boundaries are and why they exist.
Imagine the captain of a cruise ship turning to a passenger and saying, “I don't want to make this decision for you. Why don't you come up here and help me steer?”
That is essentially what gentle parenting has become: partnering with someone who does not know what they are doing.
We have created a parenting culture in which parents are increasingly afraid to actually parent.
We give the child the iPad because it is easier. We allow endless screen time because it keeps them quiet. We negotiate about bedtime because enforcing it is exhausting. We give them limitless choices because saying no creates a tantrum. And while the child is occupied, the parent gets to zone out and watch whatever degenerate TV show they want for the rest of the evening.
Of course that is easier.
Intentional parenting isn't easy.
It takes time to sit with your child. It takes patience to teach them. It takes consistency to enforce boundaries. It takes energy to correct bad behavior instead of simply distracting a child from it.
Respect should be cultivated and commanded from the beginning.
Children should understand that their parents are worthy of respect because their parents are responsible for them, provide for them, protect them, and guide them. This is especially important when it comes to the father's role in the household.
As the Bible explains, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” - Ephesians 6:4
Gentle parenting is often presented as compassionate, but there is nothing compassionate about refusing to give a child what he actually needs. Gentle parenting has created entitled adults who end up wreaking havoc on the civilized world around them. Their parents created a tiny world that revolved around them, so it is a complete shock when they step outside their doorstep.
Perhaps gentle parenting is partly an overcorrection for people who grew up in excessively strict households. Maybe some parents experienced authority without love and are determined to make sure their children never experience the same thing. That instinct is understandable.
But the answer to excessive strictness is not the elimination of authority.
The answer is balance.
You can love your child deeply and still tell them no. You can be affectionate and still enforce consequences. You can listen to your child without allowing them to run the household. You can be gentle without being permissive. As my mom and dad would say, “I may be mad at you, but I will never stop loving you”.
We wonder why crime is skyrocketing, the dating pool is filled with pee, and there seems to be a lack of the "awkward tween stage” nowadays. Amongst the main causes of those things, the way our children are parented is the foundation for those issues.
Your child is not supposed to know better than you.
Your child is not supposed to run the home.
Your child is not supposed to be your equal.
He is supposed to be your child.
And you are supposed to be his parent.
“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” - Hebrews 12:11